I am my own Nemesis...

finally!

2006-04-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

so, what else is new? nothing, except for the simple fact that i just turned 20. okay, okay, so i'm turning a bit old. but i don't see anything wrong or good in it. it's still me, plus 1 year in my age. it's still the same hopeless romantic, problematic, moody and risky me.
but i want some changes though. like, i want to marry and have a family right now. I found him...or I have somehow made myself right for him. and I am happy. I also want to graduate next year, so that i can start to look for a job and earn my own money. and after that maybe i'd start my own business, or go to law school...hay!
i also want to do something courageous..something like talking to my *bleep* and tell her to stop goofing around. maybe that ought to be my goal this summer. i really feel guilty whenever i see my *bleep* with another person, (especially a lesbian). to think that they sleep together at the bed that *bleep* and my *bleep bleep* are using whenever they are with each other, makes me feel that i am helping *bleep* ruin their marriage. I am such a coward, and i want to change that....

of stupid nothings...

2005-08-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

of stupid nothings...

if only the computer monitor could move and talk, i bet that whenever i go to my blogsite, the monitor would probably spit at me right in my face and shout,"buti naaalala mo pa ko!". fortunately it's just part of my wild i-ma-gi-ney-shun...but if ever that happens, sasagot na lang ako, "cge, kung ,matataasan mo allowance ko bibisitahin kita araw araw!"

i know a person who can be very naive sometimes...and that's me.

i started reading harry potter and the half blood prince last week. because i can't really own that book, i pathetically read in the main library after my classes. and what's more, the book there is just a photocopy of the original! isn't that against the law?! that only shows how the government neglects their responsibility at rightful education. i really don't care, i just wanna make this entry look longer...hehe.

going to school barkada-less has its pros and cons...i can eat alone,which is not so much fun. i can doze off during my vacant period instead of laughing my heart out with my 'tol. i go home alone.
teka....puro cons un ah!

LAtest Updates..

2005-07-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 3 months since I've visited my blog... Let's just say that I've shifted my priorities(to my boyfriend to be exact) and I've decided to quit blogging for a while...But now, at last I had time to pass by to give the Late(est) updates on what's happening on my life...

UNFINISHED

Well, we're together for three months now...the longest serious relationship I've had. You may be wondering why the hell I'm telling this. This is precisely because I think my friends think that I'm not the type who'd go straight ,because they keep seeing me with different guys before. I wasn't able to tell them why I was like that, and now they might think that this is just another one of those fling-fling relationships. To tell you honestly guys, I think I'm now ready to settle down,.

Enough of this mushy yapping.

....I'm having problems with my 'utol. It's not actually a problem, I just woke up one day and realized that we haven't talked to each other for a while.Well, we say the 'hi's' and hello's' and "tol una na'ko...", but it's not like the same anymore. We are together in one class this semester, but we're not seatmates anymore.To tell you the truth, I got jealous of her new seatmate,and I think that was where it all started. This sounds very highschool, but that's what I really felt--jealous.Maybe I'm just missing her a lot you know, and I want to share to her all the nice things that are happening to me right now. She's the best 'utol one could ever have. 'Tol...sana nababasa mo 'to.

I' running out of time now,gotta go! ta ta!

at last!

2005-04-05T03:34:00.000-07:00

wuhu! bakasyon na...

tagal ko din plang di nakakapagblog no? bkit kaya?

eto ang mga rason:

*sa isang bundok ng requirements na natambak noong holy week
*poverty [lagi naman e...hehe]
*masaya na po ako ngayon. good news di ba? yoko sabihin kung bakit... basta. baka dahil sa kasiyahan na to mapagpasyahan ko nang iwan ang aitia.blogspot.com na pansamantalang naging tahanan ng aking isipan[sniff..sniff].

pasensha na, masaya lang.

love is in the air..

4 years

2005-03-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

At last! I am finally back after that brief[?!] period of poverty. Well, I'm still poor, but at least now I have the money to rent a PC to surf the net. hehe...

Anyway, I've been preparing for this " blogger comeback". I want to share a short story that I made. It was inspired by a Filipino novel that I recently read. Before, I usually read pocketbooks just out of boredom. I never expected to get intellectually enlightened. But after reading that pocketbook, I had this idea to create a short story based on it.

So, here it is...I hope you like it. Comments and criticisms are welcome.

Four years
Four years...I’ve been enduring pain for four long years, and I’m still carrying the same burden.
Nobody could have experienced what suffering really is like the way that I’m experiencing it now. No one can keep a dark, mysterious secret to himself except me, even if that secret had cost me the life of my precious child. I could’ve gotten my sweet revenge by spilling the whole story, but no, I opted never to speak of that secret for the rest of my ruined life.
I thought that time could miraculously heal the wounds brought by the past, that the fresh injury would turn into an ugly scarred memory. I guess I was wrong. The cut was so unfathomable that not even a full turn of a century could patch up what was destroyed. I am a zombie—I am alive; I eat and move. But the concept of living one’s life is unimportant to me now.
I have a long time ago thrown away the possibility of enjoying another romantic relationship with the opposite sex, especially after that traumatic affair with Ben. I thought he was the completion of my dreams, the realization of me and my destiny. He came when I was in the middle of living a very solitary life.
...and now, I’m back in subsisting as a solitude being, once more leading a lonesome and abandoned existence.

I could still remember what happened that night...

I was awakened by the telephone ringing. For a while, I didn’t know where I was, until I recalled that we were invited to a beach party. I was resting inside our cottage that night, while Ben, as I guessed, was outside drinking with his buddies. I picked up the phone to identify who could be calling up in the wee hours of the night, and my left ear was almost deafened by the booming voice on the other line. It was a man. He was shouting and telling me something. I thought that it was just a prank call from some lunatic or a joke that Ben and his friends were pulling on me. I was about to put down the receiver when the speaker challenged me to see the truth that he was telling me at that time. I disregarded his parting words, but I could never continue my sleep after that incident. So, to end the doubts that have formed in my head, I walked out of our room. Not realizing that I was wearing a thin night gown, I continued moving towards the lodge of my best friend—Kris. As I opened the door, there it was right in front of me the greatest, most humiliating scene I have seen in my entire life. The caller had been right after all.

I saw the love of my life in bed with my best friend.

I couldn’t believe what my eyes were showing to me. I wanted to run away from them, but my legs seemed rooted to where I was standing. I wanted to shout out that they’re disgusting pigs. But I can’t... I knew I can’t hurt Ben with those words. So I chose to turn my back and simply walk away.

That was the last time I saw Ben and Kris.

To where I have been after that incident, I could not recall. Sadness and denial blurred my memories. I could never tell anybody what really occurred that night; I chose to keep my silence to protect the two people most dear to me. After all that had happened, I still can’t hurt them.
I moved out of the country secretly. There in a small town surrounded by snow-capped mountains, I tried to give remedy to my malady. The only cure I knew at that time was forgetting. I really struggled to keep myself from falling apart, but even before I could do that, my life was once more shattered by an experience I could still bitterly recall up to now. Due to my excessive depression, I had lost the baby that Ben and I had conceived. The only sweet fruit that came out of our relationship. Day and night long, for almost half a year, I wept for myself and for my unborn baby which I had named Angelica. Life became meaningless for me; it has turned out to be an affliction instead of a gift.
I was on the verge of insanity and suicide when the truth struck me. I would never be able to heal myself and let go of the miserable past if I kept on running away. I would not be able to strengthen myself if I’m hiding somewhere far from the people who hurt me.
That was when I decided to return home.
I could not recall how many times I thought twice about going back. I was still afraid then, fearful that I might not survive. But I just thought of Angelica, how much she would’ve wanted me to fight my fear. The next thing I knew was that I was sitting at a comfortable seat right beside the window of the plane, praying for whatever may take place.
As the plane was racing towards the runway, I could smell the same scent of the air before I left for Canada—that of betrayal and hatred.
Hesitation and anxiety prevented me from phoning Ben to tell him that I had returned. But as soon as I arrived at my parents’ home, my mother disclosed to me the sad news—Ben had taken his own life out of guilt and misery shortly after I flew abroad. She said that he tried to find me, but my parents decided that it would be better if we did not see each other anymore.
Now two individuals had deserted me in my walk of life—Angelica and Ben, my two darlings. Why do people I treasure the most come in and leave me when they have become so special to me? Was my life meant to be that way? I could not find the answers until now.
After grasping what my mother imparted to me, I immediately prepared myself to visit Ben’s grave. I dressed in black, like a true widowed woman mourning for his man. I chose to come alone so that I could have a long moment to talk to him. As my car was nearing the path to Ben’s final resting place, I saw a figure standing at his mausoleum. I could not see who it was, but he somehow looked vaguely familiar. I walked towards him, and I almost fainted when I saw who it was.
It was Kris.
I didn’t know what to do. We just stared at one another, as if trying to look for the right words to say. It was Kris who broke the silence.
“Hey, I did not know you already decided to come back. It’s been a long time.”
Was it a long time? It seemed as if everything just happened yesterday...
I decided not to speak.
“Ben and I kept looking for where you might have gone ever since that....happened. But your parents won’t help, so it was...quite difficult for us to find you. We wanted to explain—”
“Would your explanations still matter after what I saw, Kris?” I could not contain my silence any longer. “Would what you have to say change everything that my eyes saw? Could your explanations make me stop from being disturbed by the fact that I saw two men, one of which was my husband, making out in a room? You tell me, Kris.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks after what I’ve said.
“No, Kate, but at least we could’ve told you that we did not mean to hurt you by that. We just can’t stop what we’re feeling for each other.” He sounded apologetic.
It enraged me to hear the term ‘we’. “Are you trying to tell me that Ben never loved me and it’s you that he wanted?”
“Goodness knows how much Ben loved and adored you. It was why he never stopped finding you; he was almost a crazy man, searching every place where you possibly went. But I guess he could not bear the grief anymore, he lost hope, Kate. And that was when he took his life...”I noticed too that Kris was finding it difficult to narrate.
“Believe me Kate, it was supposedly the last time that we would be together in bed, because we were feeling shameful of ourselves knowing that we were keeping something from you. I’m really sorry, and I hope you could still forgive us.”
“Because of you I lost my baby, my beloved Angelica...”
“What?!” Kris looked remorseful from what I had revealed.
“I did not know that I was pregnant until I lost her because of bleeding.”
“Oh my God, I’m really just so sorry...How could you ever forgive us?” Kris was almost on his knees, begging for my pardon.
Once more, silence prevailed between the two of us. The only sounds that can be heard were the soft swishing of the trees due to the breeze and our faint sobs. The thought that was inside my mind during that moment was Kris’ plea for forgiveness. It was my turn to break the hush.
“You know Kris, though I decide to forgive you or not, everything would remain the same. I would still suffer the loss of my husband and supposedly child. Nothing would come back to normal. But I also know that it would still be a burden for me to know that my best friend asks for my forgiveness but only gets my rejection. If I forgive you, it doesn’t mean that we’d be back to normal, it would just be my step for acceptance. I’m very tired Kris, I want this thing to end. If you may excuse me, I want to go home now.” I turned and started to walk away. Halfway through the path, he called out, “Kate… Thank you.”
Four years, all the agony that may come in a man’s lifetime hurtled towards me and smacked me with all the anguish it has in a short period of four years... Four years... and I still could not move on. Kris continued having homosexual relationships, our friendship somehow renewed. But I was still there, as still as a weed rooted from the soil where it grew.
Four years of pain, distress and self torment...

Four years...

...and still counting.

Happy Hearts Day!/Happy Singles Awareness Day!

2005-02-14T15:38:00.000-08:00

Maligayang araw ng mga Kapuso! ah...este Araw ng mga Puso pala... ako? eto, nagba-blog...wala pa ring karir! oh well, ano ba naman magagawa ko di ba? sabi nga nila "life's like that". kahit anong pilit kong maging loveful [opposite yan ng loveless...hehe] ngayon, e wala talaga. kagabi, nanood ako ng Notting Hill tsaka The Bodyguard. At nainis lang ako, kasi lalo kong na-feel ang pagiging lonely ngayong Valentines. Nakita ko na naman for the nth time ang paborito kong scene, ang scene kung saan magkaharap si Anna Scott [Julia Roberts] at William Thacker [Hugh Grant] sa bookshop. Sabi ni Anna "...I'm also just an ordinary girl, standing in front of a guy, asking him to love her.." At hindi ko na nabilang kung naka-ilang 'haay' ako.

kaninang umaga naman, bumili ako ng sangkatutak na tsokolate para sa aking batchmates at frends... hanggang ngayon nandito pa rin sha sa bag ko, dahil kakaunti lang ang nakita kong batchmates at frends. mukhang kakabagin ako mamayang gabi nito.

Naiinis ako...naiinis...naiinis.

Naghahagilap ako ng rason para maging masaya ngayong araw na to, pero wala akong maisip e.. ang bababaw lahat. pwera na lang dun sa idea na si Angel, ang nag-iisa kong kaputol, ay masaya ngayon dahil kasama niya ang kanyang 'honey', na ikinasasaya ko rin, wala na talagang iba pa. siguro magkakonekta talaga ang puso at utak no?! ayaw kasi gumana ng utak ko, tapos malungkot ang puso ko...

kelan kaya....?

random thoughts....

2005-02-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

ahhh....ehhh... wala akong maisip na matinong ilalagay sa entry ko e.. naiwan ko lahat sa bahay ang mga journals ko kaya eto, wala na namang kwenta ang nilalagay ko. sa totoo lang, nakukuntento akong tignan na lang ang blog kong napaka-kikay...hehe.

katatapos lang ng aking napaka-toxic na exam weekSSS... at alam kong hindi ako nag-aral ng mabuti. bahala na!

kahapon, kinuha ko ang invitation para sa parangal sa mga mag-aaral na University/College scholar dito sa UP. yey! ang saya noh?

kinakabahan ako... iniisip ko kase ang problema ng isang munting mayang kilala ko, hindi pa nangyayari ang inaasahan naming mangyari ngayong buwan. kaya may posibilidad na mangyari ang HINDI namin inaasahan. magulo ba? hindi mo maintindihan? pwes... wag mo na intindihin, sasakit lang ulo mo.

nga pala, matagal nang tapos ang lovers in paris, at hindi ako natuwa sa ending na ginawa ng ABS-CBN. nakakainis. gayunpaman, may iba na akong pinagpupuyatan gabi-gabi. ang stairway to heaven ng kapuso. sa wakas! hindi ko na kelangang magpalipat-lipat ng channel...ang cute ng istorya,nakakakilig at nakakaiyak. syet, hindi ko talaga maipagkakaila ang pagiging hopeless romantic ko.

nabasa ko na pala ang a series of unfortunate events.maganda sha, madaling intindihin [shempre, children's book kaya yun].yun lang.

may bago akong binabasa nagyong libro, ang Notes from the Underground ni.... ah... mahirap xe tandaan yung pangalan ng lecheng author e..Russian kasi. basta may -oesky yung dulo ng apelyido niya. sabi niya sa libro...

"excessive consciousness is an absolute disease"

ayaw na gumana ng utak ko...

i am back!

2005-01-30T14:56:00.000-08:00

yehey! ako po ay nagpapalit anyo na! kung inyong napapansin, ako ay may bagong template, courtesy of blogskins.com. haay... sana ma-astigan kayo at mapa-wow!

eto pa lang ang pinagkakaabalahan ko ngayon, kaya hindi pa ko nakakapagpost ng matinong entry... pasensha na.
sa sobrang dami ng gusto kong gawin[mag-aral, mag-blog,mag-post,mag-blog, magchat, mag-blog,magsulat,magblog...] hindi ko na alam kung ano ang aking uunahin. pero dahil madami ang nakasulat na mag-blog sa listahan ko, ito ang pinili kong unahin. ito ay patunay po lamang na ako ay isang delinkwenteng nilalang.
pebrero na, malapit na ang araw ng mga puso... dapat ngayon ay desperado na akong nag-iisip kung ano ang gagawin sa feb.14. pero dahil sa impluwensya ni sir gerry lanuza, ang aking mapagpalayang propesor sa UP, unti-unti ko nang naiisip na ang araw ng mga puso ay isang ordinaryong araw na lamang, na ang pag-ibig ay likha ng mga kapitalista. magulo no? pero yan ang advantage ng nagte-take ng socio10 sa kanya, ginagawa niya kaming open-minded, aware, skeptic at radical na estudyante. dati xe shang aktibista. lahat ata ng mga pinaniniwalaan ko noon ay isa-isa niyang winawasak. binabasag niya lahat ng mga pader na pumipigil sa aming makita ang katotohanan.
bow na ako sa kanya. paborito ko na nga ding linya ang linya ni sir na "asa ka pa!"
baka minsan gawan ko ng sulat si sir, at ipo-post ko dito...hehe.

wala lang

2005-01-04T02:22:00.000-08:00

ang ganda talaga ng lovers in paris[pati tatay ko avid fan na! pwera biro...]
naaddict na ko sa YM at pagba-blog...pero ok lang basta may perang panggastos
di gaanong masaya ang krismas at new year ko, onti lang kasi pagkain
crush ko talaga si carlo..pero cute din si martin, kamukha niya xe si [tuttut]
namimiss ko na ang gumala sa Ayala...lalo na ang fountain dun. kelan kaya ako babalik?

namimiss ko na din tita ko sa cavite, hindi kasi ako naglalabas ng pera pag kasama ko sha e.hihi

mas lalo ko naman namimiss ang mga pinsan kong makukulit, para ko na din silang mga beybis!

at namimiss ko na ding matawag na ate AYA at ate MAYA nila izzy at Aj.

nasobrahan ako ng beef pattie ng Jamaican at chicharon bits kanina sa SM

Ang dami ko nang gustong gawin...

gusto ko nang manood ng Panaghoy sa Suba,

magbasa ng ibang libro,

basahin ulit ang Harry Potter series,

gumawa ng maraming blog entries

mapagod sa kakagawa ng blog

titigil na ko...

promise.

next time na lang ulet...

whew!

2005-01-04T01:16:00.000-08:00

I woke up one sunday morning only to realize that that day would be the last day of my no-school holidays! It was like Christmas and New Year just came and went like a whirlwind that has a velocity of 1000 kph. where did time go? I am not yet on the height of feeling the relaxation of waking up anytime I want to, of eating anything that comes near me and of not being forced to touch a single UP paraphernalia... haay. Maybe what my friend told me is true--world destruction is near...that's why time flies so fast. [no sense eh?!]

And guess what I deliberately left and forgot at home? A big problem. and that problem consists of 3 LONG critical papers, an assignment, a group report and a long quiz just waiting to be announced--all of these requirements are due on the first week of january. and i also forgot to read the book that i bought for fifty bucks... but what the hell?! i have been one bad git eversince i was born, might as well continue to be one now...hehe.

but despite all of these drawbacks and bad luck [i refuse to call them a result of my carelessness and stupidity], i still consider what i did during my 2-week vacation a fruitful activity. I was able to reflect on things i refuse to ponder about during the school days. i became a think tank of decisions, changes and frustrations. my friend's advices, books and the media [unbelievable..] aided me to what i call as my metamorphosis...

mga pagmumuni-muni ng isang nalokong tao...

2005-01-02T14:33:00.000-08:00

bad trip talaga yang sm,,, wala nang tatalo sa kahayupan nila.

>>> isipin mo naman, nagpunta ako dun kaninang umaga para magpalamig at mag-withdraw ng pera.dumating ako ng SM Dasmarinas ng alas 10 ng umaga, pero ang lekat na building di parin nagpapapasok! ayun, wala akong nagawa kundi maghintay na pagbuksan ng mga guwardiya. nang buksan ang napakaliit na entrance door, hala nagsimula na akong maglakad upang maghanap ng telephone booth.

telephone booth #1-- free call use only. telephone not in order.eto yung nasa main entrance ng upper ground floor[UG].
telephone booth #2--free call use only.telephone not in order. eto yung nasa right wing ng UG.
telephone booth #3--free call use only.telephone not in order. eto yung nasa left wing ng UG.
telephone booth #4--free call use only. telephone not in order. eto yung nasa restroom ng lower ground floor [LG]
telephone booth #5--free call use only.telephone not in order. eto yung nasa back side ng SM.
telephone booth #s 6,7,8,9[pasensha na, napagod na kong ulit-ulitin ang free call use only. telephone not in order eh..shet,inulit ko pa.]--free call use only.telephone not in order. eto yung nasa kasuluksulukang lugar sa SM na di ko akalaing makikita ko dahil sa desperasyon kong makahanap ng gumaganang pay phone. buong lower ground, upper ground, tsaka 2nd floor nalibot ko. hanggang sa naisip kong pumasok nalang sa department store para palamigin ang nag-aapoy kong utak.

at dun ko naisip na baka meron ding telephone booth sa restrooms sa loob ng department store.hindi ako nagkamali,sa unang cr na nakita ko bumungad ang dalawang PLDT phone booths.

telephone booth #10--MABUHAY! muntik ko nang punitin ang wallet ko sa pagmamadaling kunin ang phone card,baka mawala pa ang nakasulat sa LCD at mapalitan ng kahindik-hindik na free call use only.telephone not in order. halleluiah!at nakatawag na nga ako...

sa lahat ng mahigit isang dosenang telephone booths ng SM, iisa lang ang gumagana. at wala pang isang taong bukas ang lecheng branch dito sa Dasmarinas. pang-display lang pala tong mga teleponong ire. iniisip siguro ni Henry Sy at ng PLDT na di marunong gumamit ng telepono ang mga taga-dito. nakakainis talaga.
Pwes, isang malaking kalechehan ang pagpunta sa lugar na yun. Pero pupunta pa rin ako dun. hehe.

****sana di nagba-blog si Henry Sy, baka i-ban niya ako sa pagpasok ng sm.

puro bago...

2004-12-31T01:44:00.000-08:00

bagong taon,,, ilang oras na lang magpapalit na ng taon. di ko alam, pero hindi ko ina-anticipate ang 2005...

bagong trip... ano pa ba?! edi tong blog na to! wala lang akong maisip na gawin e...

bagong, ano pa nga ba?! bagong buhay? yoko pa, masaya pa ko sa buhay ko ngayon...
basta... hapi new year na lang!

>>>byers!